My Mother Has Always Said

  Four years in the past, confidence was only a wisp in my consciousness. Standing tall on my own was an unfathomable concept. The mere suggestion that I would someday become my own full-grown person seemed irrelevant. Life has always proved to me it can change in an instant. When I thought, at seven years old, I had secured the spot as the youngest child, a new sister appeared in the room next to mine. When I was thanking God for all the family I had been blessed with, I lost two grandparents I had loved with all of my heart. As time soldiered on, I endured countless angry stares from a teenage sister while the other gave me nothing but smiles between the giggles. Of all the times throughout my short eighteen years, high school has proved to me that memories are made as quickly as people are lost. The important thing to remember is how many memories you can stand to lose.

My mother has always said time will move faster when you aren’t looking. You can’t help but wonder what moments have been thrust into your life, only to have your head turn away, unable to face what the world had planned for you. As an overly self-assured fourteen year old, the powers that be have no problem reminding me that I have to be able to let go of any semblance of control.

When you try to believe in the idea of reincarnation, you find yourself asking why everything terrible has to happen to you. Certain religions believe reincarnation in the form of a human is an extreme amount of honor, but being a person is really quite hard. They say each time you re-emerge onto the Earth, as whatever life form, whenever in time it may happen, you have a lesson to learn. As the emergency room nurse sipped the words that altered the course of my life between her teeth, I felt each panicked breath spewing from my mother’s throat. As the sirens of the ambulance blared, the rush of light and sound drowns out the paramedic's gentle, soothing stream of words. What lesson am I supposed to learn?

My mother has always said I am an old soul. My Nana used to hold her hands to the side of my face and tell me I would do such wonderful things with my heart. A psychic read my tarot cards, and she swore I would find love in the near future. Four years later, I’ve discovered how many different kinds of love there are. I’ve learned to love people as a daughter, a friend, a sister, a group mother. I’ve learned how to take care of others and also how to allow myself to be taken care of. And I am still here. And as luck would have it, I am still standing.   

The lesson I am supposed to learn is still a mystery. When I sat in a hospital in the dead heat of July, the smell of stale cigarette smoke was potent in the room. As my eyes opened, my Nana sitting on the edge of my bed did not frighten me in the way it should have. We can mark the years since we lost her every time we add a new candle to my little sister’s birthday cake. She is holding a plate of fresh, homemade cookies, the smell mixing with her smokey clothing, drawing in memories I know I can’t stand to lose. Her gentle smile assures me everything would be okay. And it was, eventually. Her hands found the sides of my face. Maggie, my beautiful, open hearted girl, this may not be your lesson to learn.

My mother has always said I should not choose to teach, as she herself cannot stand the idea of stepping foot in a classroom after years of doing just that. Since I was a young girl, literature was my terrific escape from the world. I read because I choose to live many lives. I read because reading leads to writing, and I write because there are so many things to say.

My mother has always said I would succeed. When she could see I was straying from the path, she would decide whether to pull me back or let me find my own way home. My mother has always said I have a knack for seeing a piece of the picture people haven’t quite figured out yet. My mother has always said my eyes have seen more than she can dream of. My mother has always said she loves me. My mother has always said high school goes by like the rush of a broken dam. She was right. Funny how that happens, isn’t it?

My mother has always said time will move faster when you aren’t looking. What lesson am I supposed to learn? My mother has always said I am an old soul. And I am still here. And as luck would have it, I am still standing. The lesson I am supposed to learn is still a mystery. Maggie, my beautiful, open hearted girl, this may not be your lesson to learn. My mother has always said I should not choose to teach. My mother has always said I would succeed. My mother has always said my eyes have seen more than she can dream of. My mother has always said time will move faster when you aren’t looking. She was right. Funny how that happens, isn’t it?