Where?

Have  you discovered
    what it means
to be happy?

I have been searching
    and
      searching
for what feels like
  lifetimes.

In the past, I thought
I may have found it

in the lines
   of a song

in the light
   of a stage

in a smile
  of pride.

but a song ends.

and lights turn off.

and a smile fades away.

Have you discovered
    how hard it is
to smile?

I have heard it takes more
 muscles to frown

but when you are pulled deep
into a darkness
  of your own making
   and there is so little light
     in your world
that seems incorrect.

When you have forgotten
    your own face
because the mask you were wearing
has been etched into your skin
         it is difficult to recall
         the muscles
         I used to use
               to smile.

I have spent hours staring
    and
staring
hoping to find a glimmer
   of anything
in the face peering back.

I used to be so desperate
to find it
it filled each spare moment
  with its longing

I thought I found it, once
     a sparkle
I'd somehow missed
               before.

It was only a bit
      of dust
easily wiped away
easily forgotten.

Have you discovered
how to find
love?

I have been stumbling across it
     accidentally.
it lies in the pride
    shining
in my mom's eyes

nestles into my heart
each time my sister's arms
squeeze around me.


I finally found it.
what I was looking for.

after all this time.
when I least expected it.


when I stopped
                        looking.


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